Life of a Chalkstream: Lost in Translation

Greetings!

Many, many moons ago I was on holiday in France so decided to try my hand on the local rivers. Now, to describe my French as schoolboy would be kind; infantile would be closer to the truth. But I gave it a go enquiring in local shops and bars as to the best place: Où puis-je pêcher à la mouchoir?

I got some very odd looks, as you French speakers will instantly understand, for mouchoir means handkerchief. I should, of course, have been saying, Où puis-je pêcher à la mouche? I am sure that to this day there are people in that rural backwater of central France who still speak of that strange Englishman who wanted to go handkerchief fishing and wonder whatever became of him.

I was put in mind of that distant memory this week as I turned to Google Translate as we embark on a bit of marketing for Chinese visitors to the UK. I wanted a simple headline that read Experience Traditional English Fly Fishing which Google Translate told me was 体验传统英式飞钓. Having been caught out by Google before, I thought it best to check with a Chinese friend who came to my aid, avoiding an epic marketing fail for, Google had translated it to Experience Traditional English Flying Fishing.

I guess, flying fishing may have a future somewhere, but I am grateful to my friend for the correct translation 体验传统英式的假蝇钓钩钓鱼.

A very strange Environment Agency email

I increasingly worry the Environment Agency (EA) are losing the plot. In April I received an email from the National Investigation Witness Team with a subject line that read: Environment Agency Call for Witnesses - Mr Simon Cooper. To briefly precis a letter attached to the email that began NATIONAL INVESTIGATION INTO ILLEGAL SEWAGE DISCHARGES.

The letter explains that in November 2021 the government commissioned the EA to investigate sewage discharges that took place into English Waters (sic) in 2020. In this criminal investigation the EA are now seeking my assistance by way of a witness statement because I may have either ”had previous contact with the Environment Agency, or via the media, demonstrating an interest in the alleged offending and may have potential evidence to provide, or have carried out my own work and assessments through academic papers and research.”

The letter then goes on to ask for any factual evidence of storm sewage discharges and whether I have been affected by those discharges or know of any effect upon the local environment. Further enquiring if I am aware of any impact to leisure, business, commercial or sporting activities because of storm sewage discharges?

If the answer to any of those questions is yes the EA would welcome my assistance by way of a witness statement and should the matter go to trial I may be required to attend court to give evidence.

In its own way the EA's call out for help is all very worthy, but we are going back five years (why the wait?) and anyone who has ever called the EA Emergency Hotline will know that even contemporaneous pollution incidents are triaged to the point that only the most extreme fish kills get an on-site attendance by an EA official.

To be honest, I am a bit baffled. Maybe I will just lodge my back catalogue of this bi-weekly newsletter as evidence which hopefully will get me a day in court to rant and rave until they usher me away to a darkened room for my own safety.

Cattle herding

When I was writing Frankel I often used to break my regular visits to Newmarket in Cambridge and, for me, one of the great joys of arriving in the university city was seeing the cattle grazing in the water meadows close to the centre of the town, a wonderful juxtaposition of a place that prides itself on its hi-tech future whilst hanging on to an ancient grazing practice. However, due to budget cuts the city council were set to end a millennium of tradition to save the £10,000 or so spent each year rescuing the two to four cattle that fall in the river.

But appropriately, technology has allowed the grazing to continue, the cattle now fitted with a GPS collar that emits a warning sound, and ultimately a mild electric pulse to stop them going any further as the animal approaches a danger point. I guess it will also have the added advantage of keeping them off roads and allowing the grazier to manage the grazing pattern.

It is worth noting that what the council probably never factored in when considering the ban was a huge maintenance bill coming down the track. Cattle, as I wrote about in Life of a Chalkstream are the water meadow managers. Without their constant grazing, cloven hooves piercing the sod and their lumbering mass pushing through the undergrowth, the meadows would soon have become an impenetrable morass of nettles and brambles, leaving the council with an even more expensive maintenance headache.

The collar technology might also be a useful aid for management of cattle along rivers. For sometime there has been a conflict between the Environment Agency who like rivers to be fenced to prevent bank degradation whilst Natural England positively encourage cattle along and in rivers, using their considerable powers to prevent the erection of fencing. And such is the power of Natural England, they win any such argument.

Mayfly on the Wallop Brook

We do not get a huge Mayfly hatch here on the Wallop Brook but just enough to gladden the heart, bringing everyone to the table for the feast. Fish rise. Ducks hoover them up. Swifts, martins and swallows swoop. Even the bats get a look in for Mayflies unwise enough to still be on the wing at dusk.

Dusk Mayfly hatch on the Wallop Brook

A trip to the north

At the end of April I took a trip to the northern extents of the Fishing Breaks empire (!) taking in Cottons Fishing Temple on the River Dove in Derbyshire, our Yorkshire instructor Charlie Clive on the beautiful Nunnington Estate and then to the pellucid Driffield Beck.

I had forgotten how very, very clear it is – four to six feet of cut glass. As luck would have it, Dave Southall, guide and fly tyer extraordinaire was at Mulberry Whin kick sampling, the results in his video which show the great health of the Beck.

Dave Southall's kick sample thriving with bug life

Dave's fly box. The size 30's are the two side-by-side yellow flies bottom RH corner

Never being shy of asking advice, I took a look in Dave’s fly box him pointing out a size 30 (yes, that small…) moth pattern as his top tip for the day. Frankly, even if I had the tippet to do justice to such a small hook eye my eyesight is beyond such microsurgery.

So, sorry Dave we defaulted to a size 14 Hawthorn which did very nicely.

The Hawthorn strike!

Quiz

The usual random collection of questions inspired by the events that took place on this date in history or topics in the Newsletter, plus one especially for my American readership because, apparently, there are not enough US related questions

1) Which member of the committee that drafted the US Declaration of Independence declared his invention of bifocal lenses on this day in 1785?

2) The Chelsea Flower Show began in which year? A) 1893 B) 1913 C) 1933 d) 1953

3) What are the two birth flowers for May?

Answers are at the bottom of this Newsletter.